A Wonderful Change
For a long time I thought God was punishing me. Why did I have to go through this? Did I do something wrong? Or do you just not love me? I need answers because I can’t take this anymore.
These are the kind of thoughts that would flash through my mind, day in and day out. And they still do.
Let me tell you why…
Let me take you back to the beginning…
It must have all started from 15.
This is when I got baptized. I decided to follow Christ for myself personally. And it was the best decision of my life. That was a great day for me. The support of family and friends was amazing. That was 9th February 2008.
My walk with Christ was going great, excelling to new heights, progressing to different levels… everything was fantastic. Getting to know God better was amazing. It was all just… great.
Up until November of that same year, 2008.
This was when my grandad died, my dad’s dad. Now this part is all a blur because I wasn’t close with my grandad. Throughout my whole lifetime, he’s been in Jamaica and I only saw him once. But he’s family so I grieved for a short time. I remember crying but only being able to say, “I never got to say goodbye.” I mostly cried because he never knew Christ. So that was the hardest part to take in.
I was a newborn babe in the Christian walk. I was only 10 months old. And I already had to deal with a death of a loved one. But like I said earlier, I wasn’t that close with my grandad. I never knew him so that grief period ended quickly.
Then I turned 16 on 19th December 2008. And this is when the beginning of the rest of my life unraveled.
So with the New Year approaching and having dealt with the death of my grandad; everything was getting back on track with studies. Christ and everything else fell into place.
But then another massive terrible disaster happened in my family…
My grandma, my mum’s mum passed away on 2nd February 2009. And this one I didn’t deal with as good as my granddad.
It was such a shock to my system that it completely shook my world and turned everything upside down.
My grandma was not only an anchor in my family but she was my own personal anchor, motivation, inspiration and role-model, all in one. She was a strong, faithful, powerful woman of God. I was so close with my grandma that her passing took everything out of me. She was only 74, and to me that was young – very young. And so at this point in time, I blamed God, turned against God, forgot about God. I just didn’t want anything to do with anything Christ/God-related.
Everything went downhill after that. I closed up. Shut myself away from any and everyone. ESPECIALLY my family. The family split apart. Everything just flipped on its back. All because grandma had gone.
“Why did you take my grandma away from us? She was so young. I didn’t get to say goodbye. Why? How could you do something like this? It doesn’t make any sense.”
You see… after this happened, I didn’t care about anything or anyone. Not school, family not even myself. I lost the will and desire to even live.
I became… different.
16 now. Lost. Confused. Angry. Upset. Frustrated. Alone. Desperate. Vulnerable. Weary. Tired. Emotional. Unstable. Insecure. Cold.
I was looking for comfort in man in all the wrong places. I wanted to feel wanted, warm and safe in the security of a man’s arms. Consequently, I met someone.
But… I was only 16.
We got to know each other. Our friendship was amazing. And after the death of my grandma he was everything to me, literally. He was all that mattered to me in my life. I didn’t care about anybody else. Just him. He was my rock, strength and shelter. He held me and everything that came with me, all together. He was my first kiss. The first boy I ever proper liked. He was it. Everything.
I was only 16.
And everything about him changed. Our conversations, our MSN sessions, our phone calls, HIS agenda all transposed into… sex.
But he was my all. So even though I was a virgin and I didn’t want to do anything sexual. I also, at the same time, didn’t want to lose him. So anything he asked, I gave to him.
Later on down the line, He left. Maybe because he got what he wanted or because he didn’t get sex from me. Even though he didn’t take my virginity, he took my purity. I still felt dirty.
Now, him leaving caused the next stage of my life – promiscuity.
After that I didn’t care who I slept with, who did what to me or who I did it with. I just gave up on me, gave up on life, gave up on everything and everyone. Going from house to house, boy to boy, man to man. I sought love and affection in sex. Addicted to pornography, masturbation and sex. That was my life. I became everything I never imagined could EVER happen to me.
“Am I being punished? Do you not love me Lord? This is your fault God. You took away my Grandma. What is wrong with me? Why are you doing this to me?”
Then I got gossiped about, spoke about, friends left, my business and personal life circulated around the whole school area, and I got uninvited attention from boys everywhere. Friends told me I was going to hell. So, I left church. Anytime someone would say “God loves you,” my response would be, “How can God love me with all that I’ve done?” I completely disregarded everything to do with God.
Life wasn’t good at all. I hated it. So it got to the point where it was all too much for me. I broke a piece of glass in my room one evening. I took the glass shard and slit my wrists. Even though I was pressing down hard on my vein, no blood came out.
I remember crying so hard, I said:
“Lord, so you obviously don’t want me to die otherwise you would have let this shard go through my skin and puncture my vein. So help me. I need answers. I need you to hear me. Cos I can’t live like this anymore.”
I left that sixth form that I was at previously. I went to a different area. New people and new environment. People who didn’t know anything about me. Some may call this running away but I needed a fresh start, a clean slate. I needed to start over.
Then my family started going to a new church. And I finally decided to come after weeks of stalling.
And then God spoke. All I remember hearing was…
“You are unique and God loves you.”
And that’s all I needed to hear.
After that – like they say – the rest is history.
I’ve just been constantly shown love by God in an immense way. And God knows exactly what we need. And for me what I needed was love. And He gave it to me. He delivered me.
I feel loved. Special. Blessed. Amazing. Wonderful. And it’s only because of His Love.
I am not pleased with the things that I have done but I rejoice in my trials, struggles, tribulations and failures because His Love has made me WHOLE.
I am not perfect but I know who God is.
I’m not saying I no longer sin, no. Far from that. I still mess up even now but I know God still loves me and He has forgiven me.
That is why I love him and continue to bless His name only!
I am a living witness that God can change your situation around. But it all happens in God’s timing. And when God spoke to me… when he took me out… when he changed my life… when he delivered me…
It was Just In Time!
I am a Witness that God is Able!
It’s been a long time coming but my change HAS come!